Full Moons, Mood Swings and Cooking, Oh My!

Overall it's been a fairly up and down kind of week for me. I just get so fricking irritated. I hate full moons. I am all over the fucking place. I am so rageful-i get stressed so easily, can't even form a sentence to explain what is going on in my head, get frustrated that i can't even talk, and end up hurting something inanimate. this time, i was so stressed and filled with rage i kicked my oven. hard. it has a dent in it. it's not our oven-we rent. i feel awful. it's hard to explain. i'm good, fine, wired, depressed, and my heart hurts (emotionally speaking) all at once. I got into a Psychotherapist on wed. and started my journey to emotional well being...again....

He was fabulous. Older gentleman, very kind, attentive, it was so easy to open up to him. He gave me some resources, pointers, tips, questionnaires to fill out to get a better sense of myself. I have a lot to work on. I am MUCH more stable than i used to be, but i think all this past stuff is bottled up that makes my moods swing and continues my battle with depression. I don't feel free, happy, alive yet. and i want to be. SO i'm actually kind of excited to open up. I have been guarded for so long, a lot of guilt and regret that I gloss over, acting like things that i did or had done to me were not that big of a deal...when in fact, my heart still hurts over them. a lot. I feel like I can't grow in my Faith either because of all this negativity still in my heart. i have another appointment scheduled in 2 weeks so i'm looking forward to that. meanwhile, i can't sleep, ambien is being worthless, i have no energy, my family is coming to visit, my house is a mess, i have no idea how i'm going to get my fucking house clean, and i'm overwhelmed. bleh.

Onto cooking! I came up with a fabulous recipe all on my own! was so good, i'm making it AGAIN!, even though i had it the day before. Herb and Panko stuffed mushrooms. amazing.
i don't really do measurements-i wing it, so here is a general idea...

panko bread crumbs, like 2 cups
melted butter and olive oil-together enough to wet the crumbs
BRAGGS brand Organic Sprinkle-BEST. SEASONING. EVER. - a generous amount that you can see the herbs easily throughout.
dash of soy sauce.
the stems of the mushrooms, chopped
diced onion

mix the above, then stuff into large portabello mushrooms. bake at 375 for 25 minutes or until done. nom nom nom.

trying not to rant too much and just get through this full moon. eek.

The War Begins!!!

If President Bush can go to war on a Concept instead of a Country, then from this day forth, I am declaring War on Parenthood, Life, and everything in between.

I am the first person to admit that I do not know everything. I am actually quite open about that fact. Which leads people to believe that I am miserable and incompetent. False. I am smart enough to know my faults and humble enough to ask for help. This tends to piss people off and I am simply tired of being taken the wrong way, talked badly about, thought badly about, judged etc. You could have a lifelong dream of building a Canary Sanctuary where orphans can play and live freely and I would support you. Because that is what people do. They support, cherish and LOVE each other-and this seems to be a lost art.

Quick background on the humble "me" to get started...

I'm 27. I have 2 boys-3 1/2 and 1 1/2. My oldest has Mild Autism. I am not ashamed of it, nor do I think I shouldn't tell people that he has it, despite what my parents think. I have depression, insomnia, and probably a few other things I don't even know. I am vegetarian, and embracing more and more vegan foods. This pisses my family off. To no end. Now that I think about it, a lot of things do.

I used to be quite a crap individual. I had mental issues that were not being addressed in the best way. Therapy and medications later, I am married and have been for 3 years, with 2 boys and a wonderful husband that actually puts up with me. Let's be honest...I don't even think I could be married to me....I said all that to say this: "I don't think my parents have ever forgiven me for being not in the right state of mind. I was lost, sad, and needed help. I got it. I"m here. I'm happy. I have a twisted sense of humor still. I will not judge and I love my kids tremendously. Apparently all that doesn't really mean too much to my family and their judgmental friends. If you haven't lived it, you can't judge it.

Parenting is hard. All these "Supermoms" that take their kids to tumbling, swim lessons, parks, playdates and keep their house spotless, all while never missing naptime and feeding them a Vegan Organic diet can suck my nuts. My raw, organic, unsalted nuts. Period.

It's hard to get up in the morning sometimes. It's hard to start your day off by cleaning poop. It's hard to think that the only time I can pee by myself is when my husband gets home to help with the boys. And I wish moms and others could be more supportive of that fact.

It is especially hard to find someone that doesn't think my son's Autism is contagious. And understands that his obsession with numbers and lightswitches, and the resulting tantrums from not being able to hold the price tag signs with the numbers at the store, and to flip every lightswitch on and off ten times in Walmart is not that my son being a brat. I've never had so many side-eyes in my life. No idea that what makes cross-dressing obese people on scooters in walmart think they have the right to judge anyone....but that is for another day...

So I am here to say all the things we all WISH we could say...I have every right to say what is on my mind, my hopes, dreams, fears, emotions, issues. And I hope that people can relate. And if all it does is make you angry then I will pray for you. And politely tell you to press Alt+F4.