Overall it's been a fairly up and down kind of week for me. I just get so fricking irritated. I hate full moons. I am all over the fucking place. I am so rageful-i get stressed so easily, can't even form a sentence to explain what is going on in my head, get frustrated that i can't even talk, and end up hurting something inanimate. this time, i was so stressed and filled with rage i kicked my oven. hard. it has a dent in it. it's not our oven-we rent. i feel awful. it's hard to explain. i'm good, fine, wired, depressed, and my heart hurts (emotionally speaking) all at once. I got into a Psychotherapist on wed. and started my journey to emotional well being...again....
He was fabulous. Older gentleman, very kind, attentive, it was so easy to open up to him. He gave me some resources, pointers, tips, questionnaires to fill out to get a better sense of myself. I have a lot to work on. I am MUCH more stable than i used to be, but i think all this past stuff is bottled up that makes my moods swing and continues my battle with depression. I don't feel free, happy, alive yet. and i want to be. SO i'm actually kind of excited to open up. I have been guarded for so long, a lot of guilt and regret that I gloss over, acting like things that i did or had done to me were not that big of a deal...when in fact, my heart still hurts over them. a lot. I feel like I can't grow in my Faith either because of all this negativity still in my heart. i have another appointment scheduled in 2 weeks so i'm looking forward to that. meanwhile, i can't sleep, ambien is being worthless, i have no energy, my family is coming to visit, my house is a mess, i have no idea how i'm going to get my fucking house clean, and i'm overwhelmed. bleh.
Onto cooking! I came up with a fabulous recipe all on my own! was so good, i'm making it AGAIN!, even though i had it the day before. Herb and Panko stuffed mushrooms. amazing.
i don't really do measurements-i wing it, so here is a general idea...
panko bread crumbs, like 2 cups
melted butter and olive oil-together enough to wet the crumbs
BRAGGS brand Organic Sprinkle-BEST. SEASONING. EVER. - a generous amount that you can see the herbs easily throughout.
dash of soy sauce.
the stems of the mushrooms, chopped
diced onion
mix the above, then stuff into large portabello mushrooms. bake at 375 for 25 minutes or until done. nom nom nom.
trying not to rant too much and just get through this full moon. eek.
5 comments:
Oh Kerrie, do I know how you feel. It has to be the full moon. I never looked at it before but now that you mentioned it, it does make sense.
I'd like to say it gets better but to be honest its a never ending battle. Once you get the right medications it should help. This is a long dirty process but I promise when its done you'll feel like yourself again.
Good luck with everything darling.
thanks dear! The Doctor thought i had a lot of signs of Cyclithymia-a lesser form of bi-polar but still makes functioning very difficult. There are lots of med options and i'm hoping something can help me! glad that you understand what i'm going through! and thanks for the words of encouragement. i know i will always deal with this but i hope i can manage it in a better way! <3
Glad to hear it all Kerrie! Keep right on venting. My brother, a social worker used to share his college textbooks with me. I feel I was better able to understand myself. One of my favorite authors is Joan Aldouis. It was for Home and social sciences that I took in college. She points out that as mothers we are the "hub" for everything, great book! I'll call my sister and see if she still has my copy of it. You come to an understanding of your parenting style...there isno "normal."...just reminding you. Break out that camera so we can Skype girl! I too was a frustrated mom. My husband was not one to take up any resonsibility in parenting so instead of breaking up the family, he was merely my "atm"... a shitty one at that! My youngest once proclaimed to all of his friends that he didn't have a dad...we were married long before I became pregnant with this kid...sad, huh? All so that they wouldn't have to wake up in a different bed every other week. Was I a good mother, yes, we some how rise above it with the help of our friends. Glad that you are blogging about it, someone else may be going through the same stuff, they just don't know how to be vocal about it! Goodnight Love!
Kerrie - sorry about the emotional upheaval of late. I know you have a lot going on. It's always hard with two very little ones in tow, but they will grow up and things will get better! Sounds like you are making some moves in the right direction.
Glad to see you blogging again. Love the colors.
Denise-thanks for reading! i love to read about that same type of stuff too. My Dr. thinks I have Cyclithymia-so i'm reading on that and it just feels good to see that what i'm going through IS textbook and there IS stuff out there to help em. i will have to check out that author too.
Alicia-thanks for reading! decided on happy colors for the blog so it didn't seem so depressing! haha! you should really trying the mushroom recipe if you or david like mushrooms. if you use vegan margarine it's completely vegan :>
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